Personal Notes-Feeling The Blues

Awaken (One of my favorite paintings I've done recently)

Hi everyone,

Its been more than a month since my last personal update. As always lots going on.

Tomorrow I have the day surgery to repair the meniscus tissue in my knee that was damaged more than four months ago. I'm apprehensive, not because of the surgery, it's actually quite simple, but because I loathe hospitals and our medical system as a rule. My memories of hospitals are tainted by horrible experiences and painful knowledge of just how fragile life is and how little, even in our modern age, we can control that. I'm hoping to be able to fight off my anxieties and keep my blood pressure down, until the get me into the operating room. I'm lucky to have Stan; he will at least make that easier. I'll try to let everyone know how everything went via a Fbook post late tomorrow evening. I should be back to were I am in a few days and back to my active self in four weeks. Just in time for spring.

All nine local organizations I belong to have seen growth in numbers and strength in the last few months. Lots of new ideas floating around for our area and lots of foundation work being laid. It is encouraging, but also somewhat tiring. The local Dems are organizing a Candidates Forum for next week and we are working to start a community garden in spring. We have lots of interest in the Candidates Forum and we meet next week the hash out all the last minute details. The town is preparing to clear the area for the community garden. It is already fenced in and the town is going to put in a meter for water(we will have to pay usage). We have a group outlining guidelines and expectations. We are going to go for a hybrid garden-part paid section, part open community space. I'm not just administering the Farminton Dems site any longer; I'm also creating a new site for the Strafford County Dems. The old one was very outdated and not geared for being social. Its in the test phase right now. Hopefully it will be up live in a few weeks.

Progress has plenty of adversaries. We heard griping about the Dems spearheading the community garden. The Budget committee is out for blood this year. Almost all departments of the town budget were subject to cuts. The Recreation Dept and the Goodwin Library were targets. Each week that the NH legislature is in session they seem to bring forth damaging legislation. Education, workers, jobs, you name it they've tried it. Sometimes we win sometimes we loose. Its really hard to get people to break down outmoded constructs,work in their own interest, and have empathy and compassion for others. It's even more difficult to get new people involved in the community and to get them to vote. Its hard to get people to see all the great things we have here in our town. Sometimes it feels like the more connected Stan and I get to our community, the harder it is to tolerate those things. Not a problem unique to Farmington NH.

This time of year is bad for me. My depressive nature finds comfort in the darker days, isolation, and the land being locked in a long slumber. I've had to deal with these feelings each year since I was a teen. This year has been harder than most.  I'm sure the injured knee and the restrictions that have come with it haven't helped, but right now I feel disappointed and apprehensive. I feel like I can't get ahead. I'm trying to remind myself that there are some things I can change and others I simply cannot. I need to find my pacing, my focus again. I need to let some things go. On my birthday I tried to think of all the things I was holding onto that over the last twenty years I simply couldn't change and tried to find other things(normally local) that I could effect. It has been a hard transition. I like being bold and inspiring, but after over forty years on the planet I guess I'm starting to feel more pragmatic. I now know what forty years really feels like and how quickly it slips through your hands. If I'm lucky I'll be able to give people hell for another forty, but now I know what that really means. Does that make sense? It's a bitter pill. I don't like it, but I can't let things drive me crazy. Stan says it isn't worth it.

As I said, I'm feeling the blues. I'll talk to you all in another four. Take care of yourselves.

P.S. Anyone know about missing blog lists after a domain change. My entire blog list was gone after the domain name change. I've added most of you back. Can't seem to get the rest of you back into the list. Any ideas/experiences?